Areus

Embark on the captivating journey of Areus, a brilliant Greek linguist whose life unfolds like an epic odyssey. From his early romances to ageless adventures, Areus’ charm knows no bounds, captivating women from his youth at 17 to the seasoned age of 75. His linguistic prowess opens doors to international business ventures across continents, blending professionalism with a thirst for challenge.At 19, he achieves incredible feats in a Danish lunatic asylum, later managing a five-star hotel and pioneering business ventures in the Emirates. Areus becomes a jeweller in the Middle East, selling exquisite gems to sheikhs, a football agent, and a high-stakes player in the Monte Carlo Casino. His entrepreneurial spirit takes him to the stock exchange as the owner of a public company, and he establishes restaurant and fitness centre chains in China.In the heart of China, where Alexander the Great’s legacy lingers, Areus finds himself drawn into a unique responsibility, intertwining his fate with young virgin girls to preserve a lineage reminiscent of the ancient conqueror. However, tragedy befalls him in Libya during an oil trade pursuit, as the Wagner Group abducts him, erasing his identity during 12 harrowing years in the desert.Yet, amidst the shadows, a poignant twist awaits. Areus, once lost in the abyss of memory loss, reunites with his family in a tragic yet ultimately joyous conclusion. The resilient linguist triumphs over adversity, piecing together the fragments of his past for a bittersweet resolution that underscores the enduring strength of the human spirit.

50 Chat-up Lines

Are you looking for love? Do you struggle with the opposite sex? LOOK NO FURTHER...

Enclosed are 50 chat up lines that will end your dating woes! Watch as potential mates fall at your feet.

Vicky’s Ditties

Vicky’s Ditties is a collection of hilarious anecdotes written by a gutsy and sometimes audacious Yorkshire lass with a wicked sense of humour.

They take you on a journey from her youth, feeding laxative chocolates to scrounging kids in the park, and through her varied careers, starting with working in a pet shop, to becoming a qualified driving instructor and latterly running a farmhouse B&B with the love of her life, Dave, who was blessed with exactly the same larger-than-life personality.

If you want a giggle, this book is a must!

The Haunting of Gaspard Feeblebunny

Young Constable Gaspard Feeblebunny is unfortunate that one evening on a lonely road he sees Death attempting to harvest the soul of Percy Pargeter which has done a runner. It is doubly unfortunate that the new wizkid in the afterlife civil service decides that Death should have an assistant to handle such a mundane task as tracking down ghosts, because Feeblebunny is pressganged into service as a human subcontractor, though with some powers to assist with his task.

This is the beginning of a series of civil service bungles which leave the unhappy constable with a houseful of ghosts and the enmity of a psychotic Sergeant Hardcastle who is out to do him harm. Over time the ghosts are able to join their powers and take control of the young man’s life. This turns out to be a mixed blessing because though they cause mayhem, they also make him a very wealthy man with a series of ventures, not all of which are a spectacular success, particularly their establishment of his flat as a ScareBnB with neither his knowledge nor consent.

The Flared Black Skirt

In this insightful and thought-provoking selection of poems, the reader is taken on a journey through life and death, love and heartbreak, joy and hardship: in other words, human existence in its myriad aspects.
Written in deceptively simple language and often in the form of homilies and riddles, these poems cast the familiar in an unfamiliar light.
Skilfully employing repeating patterns, personification and metaphor, the author offers a compelling reflection on who we are and how we navigate the world around us.

The Dentwood Nudists

Claude Ball marries his childhood sweetheart and works in her father’s garage which he takes over when his father-in-law dies. After his wife dies he sells the garage, and becomes involved in the local naturist club which he then buys. There are problems with the local lads and the naturists take action. This is publicised by the local paper and gives great amusement to the town. Meanwhile, the new owner of the garage and his secretary cause mayhem in the hotel after a sexy romp on a business trip. The secretary marries a car salesman from the garage and they cause chaos on a motorway whilst driving a big American car. There is also more chaos when the local hunt gets out of control and causes havoc by crashing into the naturist club grounds.

The Book of Shenanigans

Geoff is having a biblically bad day. For a start, his car gets written off and he loses his job at a call centre in Manchester. Then the Devil tells him he’s the Anti-Christ and unless he delivers the apocalypse, he’ll be tortured for eternity at a call centre in Hell. With the help of the Devil, his best friend, Rob, who turns out to be an infamous duke of Hell, and Mr Sox, a Hell hound trapped in a cat’s body, they are chased by the forces of good and that’s when all the fun starts…

The Book of Shenanigans is the word of God that is full of:

MORE Nuns with Guns                        MORE Talking Animals

MORE Decapitations                            MORE Cute Musical Satanists

MORE Cordless Drills                          MORE Evil Nazis

MORE Tea Drinking                             MORE Scary Stuff

IMPORTANT READING GUIDANCE

The following groups are strictly prohibited from reading The Book of Shenanigans:

British Royal Family               Cancel Culture                             Cartel Members

Catholic Church                      Cats                                               Folk Bands

Mexicans                                 Norwegian Blue Nose Rabbits     Nuns

Penguins                                  Satanists                                        Scots

Seal Pups                                 Serial Killers                                 Snowflakes

Swedes                                    Unicorns                                        Witches

Steeple City

Steeple City is set in Cork City, Ireland and is a humorous story of how selfishness and loneliness can consume a family whose mother dies giving birth. We get to see life through the eyes of the main character Fin, a funny, lying, stealing fourteen-year-old bastard who despises his older gay brother and womanising father. The only rock in his life is his granny “The Mad Mullah”. The more hardship Fin inflicts or is inflicted upon him the more relatable he becomes. His toxic humour helps him and the reader navigate a year in his life. Fin’s immediate and extended family experience a year of love, laughter and death where an array of characters enter Steeple City with their own unique self-destructive story.

Senior Pleasures

Overnight Tom Hartley became a grieving widower after years of happy marriage and rebuilt his life by making new friends and taking up new interests. He moved house and set up a gardening club which also helped elderly residents and arranged walks and other social activities. After a number of close friendships with lonely ladies, he fell in love with neighbour Helen who had been working with him on the gardening club. Concerned about Tom’s over-friendly nature, Helen insisted on a one-year engagement and that they should continue to live in separate homes for Tom to prove that he could resist temptation. All went well until a glamorous widow moved in next door and began making advances.

An unexpected event brought about a change in plans and Tom and Helen had to sell their homes and move to a rundown property requiring months of hard work and expense to restore. Despite their problems the couple have fun together and their love blossoms. 

Pulling the Rug

“You have to come, now.”

Those were the words that up ended Emma’s world and pulled the rug firmly out from under her feet. Up until that point her life had been relatively charmed: A good job. A lovely house. A handsome husband. Fancy coffee. Holidays with sun and adventure. One day she would settle down. One day she wanted children. One day.

One car accident and her world spun out of its axis. A ready-made family crashed her ordered world. A mutinous teenager, a traumatized little girl, crazy twins and a long-suffering cat. Everyone had advice. Everyone had an opinion. She thought she was strong, capable, she always had a plan. She always had a plan A, B and C to be precise. But what happens when someone pulls away the rug?

Pluto's in Uranus!

Dave suffers from OCF – Obsessive Compulsive Fatalism.
Every day he is compelled to follow his online horoscope, and to actively seek out and participate in their prophesies.
One fated day, the signs are so compelling they embolden him to take a high stakes horse racing gamble.
The consequence of his wager will lead Dave into situations way beyond his control and comfort zone, and his path will be crossed by an intriguing hotchpotch of larger-than-life characters.
This eccentric bunch of strangers include a Benny Hill loving vicar, a transvestite, a hippy, a diamond thief, a sausage roll addicted Bank manager, an underworld female mechanic, an ’ungry man, some piranha fish, a chimpanzee and many others.
Pluto’s in Uranus! is the story of a ‘tryer’ whose lucky omens will come back to taunt him.
KUSHTI BOK!

Pets Are a Pleasure

This novel is the fourth in the Pets in a Pickle series and describes the antics of young vet, Paul Mitchell, now in his second year at Prospect House, the veterinary hospital, as he continues to tackle an endless variety of pets and clients. There's an escaped griffon vulture, which terrorised staff in the garden. A bouquet of roses for Beryl, the receptionist, in which lurks a venomous frog. Dealings with Dave, the chameleon. And on the way to treat one of the Stockwells' cows, Paul is confronted by Boris, their amorous bull, who has escaped and now blocks the lane. Meanwhile in the practice cottage, Willow Wren, he and his fiancé, the junior nurse, Lucy, raise an orphaned fox cub, curb the roamings of a randy cockerel and cope with marauding badgers and the sighting of a possible lion. Fans of the earlier books will relish this opportunity to delve into more zany encounters deftly written with the self-depreciating humour that characterises Malcolm's style.