Memoirs of a '90s Schoolboy

An entertaining and irreverent read, Memoirs of a 90s' School Boy is a book that'll bring you back in time to childhood and the ups and downs of primary school days. The ridiculous situations, elaborate observations, and honest brain farts of a child who thinks he's got it sussed; will make you laugh out loud. Described by BAFTA award winning comedian, Daisy Cooper (the force behind BBC3's 'This Country') as 'the funniest thing she has ever read'. This book needs no further introduction, just get on and read it and see for yourself.

Love? In A Cottage

Love? In a Cottage is the story of two middle-aged people from very different backgrounds who meet as the result of an advertisement placed in the lonely hearts section of a national newspaper. Marlene Sugden is a secretary working in London whose life has changed very much for the worse in a few months. Firstly her father, who she has loved and cared for over many years, dies then her best friend marries and immediately emigrates to Australia and, as a final straw, Marlene’s boss retires and her new boss is a snappy and difficult man. Marlene dearly wants a husband and a home to care for and in her desperation, she places an advertisement in the Evening Standard. “Lonely unmarried woman, good cook and homemaker seeks kind-hearted, single middle-aged man with view to matrimony if suited”. Deep in the Herefordshire countryside, Donald Evans sits reading a two-day-old newspaper as he eats his meal of baked beans straight from the tin. His eye is caught by Marlene’s advertisement. He is single, mid-40s and kind-hearted if it does not cost him anything. Donald hunts out a piece of notepaper, sharpens his pencil and replies to Marlene’s advertisement.

Life Stories: the Odd Bits

People say, “When life deals you lemons, make lemonade” as if they knew the recipe and of course could lay hands on the other ingredients. The people between the covers of this book tried to follow the initial advice, and this is the result: not exactly lemonade, not exactly soup, not exactly toxic but more or less what you might expect if you tried making lemonade from substitute ingredients such as cabbage stalks, bacon rind, honey, brewer’s yeast and fermented socks.

PLEASE NOTE: this is not an approved recipe. You can try it in the safety of your own home, but the author takes no responsibility for the results, he can make an educated guess...

Lemons

Nothing of note has ever happened in Cockle Cove unless you can count the annual Scout Jamboree and the sudden appearance of new novices at the monastery.

Things take an inexplicable turn and people disappear suddenly. A new landlord turns up to take over the Jolly Roger Pub and is not all he seems to be.

The centuries-old mysteries of stashed Spanish gold and hidden tunnels are reignited and everyone follows their own clues to save the day and return things to the safety of the status quo.

King George

Devotees of E.F. Benson’s books on the people of Tilling will not be disappointed in this sequel. From cricket matches, Christmas lunches and Roman villas, the lives of the residents of Tilling are laid bare once again with all their small-village craziness. Not only Tilling, but also the residents of Risenholme, and friends from London, all come to Tilling to play a part in pre-war village Britain. Once again, Elizabeth Mapp tries to prove to the world that she is right and Tilling is wrong in their love for Lucia. All the past characters are here including Mr and Mrs Wyse, Quaint Irene, Diva, the Padre as well as Janet and Foljambe and there is a new character to invade the peaceful and tranquil lives of the residents whose identity confounds and confuses them.

Justin At Large

When Millicent Pemberton’s acting career comes to a disastrous end, she seduces a wealthy Scottish Duke and moves into his impressive castle. Pregnant with Justin she raids the Duke’s safe and disappears with a fortune in banknotes.

22 years later, a fiercely dominating mother, Millicent and her American lover move to the USA selling her family home, leaving him to be introduced into an alien world.

A Pandora’s box of events challenges his sanity. He’d been arrested and jailed briefly for a trumped-up charge of rape. Mentally, physically and sexually abused by a collection of crazy women (including a randy teacher and her class of equally randy 16-year-old schoolgirls).

Locating his mother in the USA, Justin accompanying her to a bank is taken hostage by three armed gorillas during a raid. He is whisked away into the wilds to be harassed by a gang of women thieves. The Duke, recognising Millicent from a TV newsflash and realising Justin must be his son, races to rescue him with a bunch of mercenaries.

Justin’s story has so many unpredictable events you are forced to turn over the page to learn what happens to our guy next.

Jacaranda, Mr James

James Harris has a busy, professional life in Edinburgh, the Scottish capital. He needs a complete break, and returns to the subtropical Island of Madeira, to its capital, Funchal, in spring and autumn. There is a slight air of mystery about Mr James as the locals call him. He likes to be incognito, but also a bit of a socialite. He likes to wine and dine, and considers himself a bit of a gourmet.

His taste in music is electric. His tapping feet can lead him to the dance floor, with relish!

He is not normally an emotional man but, one afternoon, in the square by the cathedral, he has an unexpected and profound emotional experience – a thought-provoking experience.

All his senses are explored on this subtropical island. And, of course, the sight of the vibrant, purple-blue Jacaranda trees features heavily in James’ daily life, as he strolls along the avenues of Funchal.

James is presented with opportunities which he simply cannot refuse, and quite unexpectedly, he becomes the ‘main attraction’ on the dance floor, with the lady of his dreams! 

Does James lead a double life? Mr James can be incognito, a suspected spy, a man of mystery, yet a socialite, and sociable with it! Who exactly is Mr James? 

If Only...

Set in the early 1970s, If Only is based around three 16-year-old lads and the hilarious experiences and adventures they encounter through family life, sport, girls and holidays.

The down-to-earth, original humour is guaranteed to appeal to all age groups and you are assured to laugh out loud throughout the book.

There is also a more serious and nail-biting element as James, the natural leader, decides he has to avenge an injury to his friend and goes to the nearby village aided by the local gang of bullies, with disastrous consequences. Over a period of a week his life spirals downwards as he is accused of a string of crimes and he lays in bed nightly thinking, “If only...”

Running alongside this is Robert who is bullied by a gang to the point where he is about to end his life, but decides to take the alternative route and take them on at their own game.

The book draws inspiration from the humour of The Royle Family, from Tales of the Unexpected with its twist in the tale and from the film The Warriors. It showcases the humorous side of teenage life, together with adventures, excitement and edge-of-your-seat suspense, in a combination that will not disappoint.

Happy Never After?

Harry had been a happy-go-lucky member of the human race until his girlfriend of two years decided she preferred the company of her own gender. Since then his life had become a downward spiral of misery and self-pity. His best friend Paulie had been as supportive as any male can be, but he too was beginning to drown in Harry’s woes, as were the rest of their group. Together with his twin sister Sarah, Paulie was determined to get Harry ‘back on the horse’ and find a girl. They knew that if that endeavour was to have any chance of success, he would need to recover his happier self. Thus began Harry’s quest to trawl through some of the myriad alternative therapies in a desperate attempt to ‘pull himself together’. Unfortunately for Harry, ‘Murphy’s law’ was a reality and anything that could go wrong, did, usually in the most unlikely and worst possible ways. The adage ‘There’s always someone worse off than you’ is true and in the world of alternative therapy that person is Harry. Throughout this rather painful journey of self-discovery, his awareness of deepening feelings for Sarah slowly develops. Join Harry through the trials and tribulations of his journey to enlightenment and hopefully love. This is his story.

Grope

Be very careful before you decide to buy this book because it might give you ideas!

Judge Jury, pillar of society, makes one drunken mistake which turns his life upside down. Although now considered a despicable character by all, including his wife, he picks himself up with the help of a new-found friend he met at Her Majesty’s pleasure and gets to his feet.
His career now in shreds and his generous income no more, he receives some invaluable advice from his new-found friend: start stealing things. You will be amazed how easy it can be.

So this is why I warn you to be careful before you approach the cashier to pay for what you hold in your hands. This book could get you into trouble. Big trouble.

Ginton Abbey: Volume Two

It’s Saturday and after yesterday’s shenanigans, what could the occupants of Ginton Abbey get up to today?

His Lordship awakes with an urge (no, not that one!) “Let’s all go to the seaside!”

This goes down extremely well with most, but Mrs Spanner has too many bad memories and sulks. Kitty is smitten, for real this time, and not just a quick fumble in the bushes, coal shed or wash house… oh, you’ll get it!

Will her Ladyship and the butler be able to keep their hands off each other?

Will Mrs Spanner’s gravy maim or kill anyone?

Will the secret of Molly finally be revealed?

From Sitzkrieg to Blitzkrieg

I’d seen chaps killed before, of course: Tuppy Horton was the first; accidentally garroted by his own braces, whilst playing ‘Cowboys and Indians’ back in 1922. There had been raw terror in poor old Tuppy’s bulging, bloodshot eyes as he dangled by his neck from that apple tree, while the rest of us just stood and gawped. Then there was Stiffy Plantagenet; who was knocked down on the tennis court at his home, by a motor car driven (in reverse) by his inebriated Aunt Agatha – I seem to remember that Plantagenet was absent from school for quite some time before it was announced by the Headmaster that old Stiffy had finally shuffled-off his bucket, kicked his clogs, and popped his mortal coil.

I have just remembered another one, too: Benjamin Alistair Drayton, who drowned in Tatlock Pond (whilst I warmed my palms on his sister Millicent’s bare breasts in a nearby thicket). I didn’t actually see him drown, of course (having, as I did, my hands rather full at the time), but I watched Mr Mulgrew and Constable Pinchworthy fish Drayton’s lifeless, floppy corpse from the stagnant water afterwards.

This was the first time that I’d seen a chap killed so horribly though; a shell had exploded nearby and shrapnel had completely smashed Simpson’s face in; his belly was torn wide-open, and his wet, shiny innards spilled out onto the brown earth. (Needless to say, he did not live for long.) I paused for a moment, drew a deep breath, and then vomited so hard that my backside trumpeted loudly. (“Pffrrrt!”)