The Dentwood Nudists

Claude Ball marries his childhood sweetheart and works in her father’s garage which he takes over when his father-in-law dies. After his wife dies he sells the garage, and becomes involved in the local naturist club which he then buys. There are problems with the local lads and the naturists take action. This is publicised by the local paper and gives great amusement to the town. Meanwhile, the new owner of the garage and his secretary cause mayhem in the hotel after a sexy romp on a business trip. The secretary marries a car salesman from the garage and they cause chaos on a motorway whilst driving a big American car. There is also more chaos when the local hunt gets out of control and causes havoc by crashing into the naturist club grounds.

The Book of Shenanigans

Geoff is having a biblically bad day. For a start, his car gets written off and he loses his job at a call centre in Manchester. Then the Devil tells him he’s the Anti-Christ and unless he delivers the apocalypse, he’ll be tortured for eternity at a call centre in Hell. With the help of the Devil, his best friend, Rob, who turns out to be an infamous duke of Hell, and Mr Sox, a Hell hound trapped in a cat’s body, they are chased by the forces of good and that’s when all the fun starts…

The Book of Shenanigans is the word of God that is full of:

MORE Nuns with Guns                        MORE Talking Animals

MORE Decapitations                            MORE Cute Musical Satanists

MORE Cordless Drills                          MORE Evil Nazis

MORE Tea Drinking                             MORE Scary Stuff

IMPORTANT READING GUIDANCE

The following groups are strictly prohibited from reading The Book of Shenanigans:

British Royal Family               Cancel Culture                             Cartel Members

Catholic Church                      Cats                                               Folk Bands

Mexicans                                 Norwegian Blue Nose Rabbits     Nuns

Penguins                                  Satanists                                        Scots

Seal Pups                                 Serial Killers                                 Snowflakes

Swedes                                    Unicorns                                        Witches

Table for Two, Mr Sparrowhawk?

Imagine going on a luxury cruise holiday around South America where your fellow passengers turn out to be a beautiful blonde ex-Miss World from Switzerland, a ventriloquist’s dummy, an Italian mobster and his wife, a Blackpool Landlady, a 1960s Beat Combo, Sea Legs & Co – a troupe of sexy girl dancers, an eccentric Lord, four undercover cops, a suitcase full of guns and a seven foot tall angry Scottish chef. What could possibly go wrong?

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, why does Susan think Fanny has a screw loose? Why do Big Sharon and Randy Mandy have it in for Steve? What does our hero conceal under Doris Downing’s blue rinse syrup at the Disco?

Is professional dance host Vlad “Terry” Rasputin really a Russian, or is he actually from Preston? Why was that man wearing a thong in the ballroom? Will the Talent Show ever be the same again?

Totti is a super sexy Italian lady dripping with diamonds. Carlo and Mario wear shiny silk suits and have thin ankles. Danny is an enigma and Lord Toucan wears a top hat and tails every day. But which one of them has a big secret connected to the Royal Gilbert Hall?

Follow Steve Sparrowhawk’s hilarious daily adventures, mishaps, romps and japes on board the ship as he leaves a trail of chaos and destruction in his wake. Will he succumb to the temptations of the flesh? Will he disembark the ship as a multi-millionaire? Will he survive the cruise? Will anyone care?

Steeple City

Steeple City is set in Cork City, Ireland and is a humorous story of how selfishness and loneliness can consume a family whose mother dies giving birth. We get to see life through the eyes of the main character Fin, a funny, lying, stealing fourteen-year-old bastard who despises his older gay brother and womanising father. The only rock in his life is his granny “The Mad Mullah”. The more hardship Fin inflicts or is inflicted upon him the more relatable he becomes. His toxic humour helps him and the reader navigate a year in his life. Fin’s immediate and extended family experience a year of love, laughter and death where an array of characters enter Steeple City with their own unique self-destructive story.

Senior Pleasures

Overnight Tom Hartley became a grieving widower after years of happy marriage and rebuilt his life by making new friends and taking up new interests. He moved house and set up a gardening club which also helped elderly residents and arranged walks and other social activities. After a number of close friendships with lonely ladies, he fell in love with neighbour Helen who had been working with him on the gardening club. Concerned about Tom’s over-friendly nature, Helen insisted on a one-year engagement and that they should continue to live in separate homes for Tom to prove that he could resist temptation. All went well until a glamorous widow moved in next door and began making advances.

An unexpected event brought about a change in plans and Tom and Helen had to sell their homes and move to a rundown property requiring months of hard work and expense to restore. Despite their problems the couple have fun together and their love blossoms. 

Say Aye Tae the Frock

Say Aye Tae the Frock is a real life insight into the antics that go on in a small town bridal shop in Scotland.

Forget the euphoric and supposedly dream-like experiences of finding the perfect dress.

Let’s keep it real!

From Tears and Tantrums to Rogue Bridesmaids and Bride Tribes, these are the stories that no one dares to share.

Reggie Carstairs: Behind Closed Eyes

After ten years living with Charles Carstairs and Charles’ maid, Winifred, in the penthouse of Belvedere Mansions Knightsbridge, eleven-year-old dachshund, Reggie, is in a reflective mood. He’s endured a rocky relationship with Winifred, (who doesn’t like dogs), and successfully plots to replace her with Zsa Zsa, a luscious (dog-loving) Hungarian maid.

Finally freed from Winifred’s close supervision, Charles and Reggie climb aboard an emotional roller coaster and bond over shared experiences: the highs and lows of life.

Canine philosopher, Reggie, thinks back on his relationship with Winifred and is wracked with guilt. Did he behave badly?

Throughout the story, Reggie’s observations on the similarities and differences between man and dog are humorous and, at times, heartachingly poignant. 

Pulling the Rug

“You have to come, now.”

Those were the words that up ended Emma’s world and pulled the rug firmly out from under her feet. Up until that point her life had been relatively charmed: A good job. A lovely house. A handsome husband. Fancy coffee. Holidays with sun and adventure. One day she would settle down. One day she wanted children. One day.

One car accident and her world spun out of its axis. A ready-made family crashed her ordered world. A mutinous teenager, a traumatized little girl, crazy twins and a long-suffering cat. Everyone had advice. Everyone had an opinion. She thought she was strong, capable, she always had a plan. She always had a plan A, B and C to be precise. But what happens when someone pulls away the rug?

Pluto's in Uranus!

Dave suffers from OCF – Obsessive Compulsive Fatalism.
Every day he is compelled to follow his online horoscope, and to actively seek out and participate in their prophesies.
One fated day, the signs are so compelling they embolden him to take a high stakes horse racing gamble.
The consequence of his wager will lead Dave into situations way beyond his control and comfort zone, and his path will be crossed by an intriguing hotchpotch of larger-than-life characters.
This eccentric bunch of strangers include a Benny Hill loving vicar, a transvestite, a hippy, a diamond thief, a sausage roll addicted Bank manager, an underworld female mechanic, an ’ungry man, some piranha fish, a chimpanzee and many others.
Pluto’s in Uranus! is the story of a ‘tryer’ whose lucky omens will come back to taunt him.
KUSHTI BOK!

Pets Are a Pleasure

This novel is the fourth in the Pets in a Pickle series and describes the antics of young vet, Paul Mitchell, now in his second year at Prospect House, the veterinary hospital, as he continues to tackle an endless variety of pets and clients. There's an escaped griffon vulture, which terrorised staff in the garden. A bouquet of roses for Beryl, the receptionist, in which lurks a venomous frog. Dealings with Dave, the chameleon. And on the way to treat one of the Stockwells' cows, Paul is confronted by Boris, their amorous bull, who has escaped and now blocks the lane. Meanwhile in the practice cottage, Willow Wren, he and his fiancé, the junior nurse, Lucy, raise an orphaned fox cub, curb the roamings of a randy cockerel and cope with marauding badgers and the sighting of a possible lion. Fans of the earlier books will relish this opportunity to delve into more zany encounters deftly written with the self-depreciating humour that characterises Malcolm's style.

Pets Aplenty

Join novice vet, Paul Mitchell, in a further six months of hilarious escapades he experiences while working at Prospect House Veterinary Hospital. He's confronted by a ravenous pig while sunbathing naked in a cornfield. He locks jaws with a caiman with scale rot and battles with Doug, a vicious miniature donkey that's always sinking his teeth into him. It ends with a Christmas pet blessing which erupts into pandemonium as frightened pets and owners scatter through the pews. Throughout his adventures, Paul is loyally supported by the team at the hospital - in particular Beryl, the elderly one-eyed receptionist, and, Lucy the junior nurse - together with whom he shares this merry-go-round of mayhem. It's a gripping, fast page-turner that's guaranteed to keep animal lovers entranced.

Praise for Malcolm Welshman

‘... paints a vivid picture of many fascinating characters.'
Jim Wight, son of James Herriot

‘... brings a smile to your face.'
Sir Terry Wogan

‘Your story is a corker.'
Richard Madeley

‘... hilarious stories straight from a vet's pen will keep you chuckling.'
Stella Whitelaw

Palace Green

The beautiful, ancient city of Durham, its breath-taking views, medieval Cathedral, bridges, cobblestone lanes and quiet, lilting river as well as its university and unpredictable students create the romance, humour and drama of this story. Wander back to the sixties and allow yourself to be swept up in this gentle, sometimes raucous, yet totally irresistible comedy.